CATZ!

1) When your previously heretofore cat with the feeding tube decides to hork up said feeding tube and chew off the end of it, try not to freak out. This is more stressful to the human than the cat. But when that cat opts to re-swallow the still attached feeding tube only to somehow sneeze it into her nasal passages thus causing her to breathe funny (i.e. horribly and stutteringly), it probably really is as stressful to the cat as it is to the humans who have been awake for approximately 3.2 seconds.

2) When you finally make the call that you will take the possibly not breathing and gasping for air cat to the emergency vet, be prepared to wait for a while because the cat will act normal and breathe normally as soon as you get to the vet. You will then question if you just happened to dream it all up.

3) The emergency vet will recommend taking some x-rays to check on the tube placement. These x-rays will indicate that the tube is behind the soft palette instead of in the esophagus as expected. The vet will try to get the tube in the correct orientation. You are welcome to wait in the front lobby watching reruns of Victoria Stilwell's "It's me or the dog" while talking to the receptionist with whom you are on a first name basis because your cat used to be at the e-vet all the time 2 months ago.

4) After the surgery, the cat in question will sneeze upon waking up, thus causing the tube to go into her nasal passages again.

5) The vet will just take the damn tube out.

6) Now you can go home and pray that your cat will eat and drink enough to not need any more feed tube nonsense.

7) Be relieved that the cat does indeed eat and drink.

8) A few days later, take the other cat to the vet because he's got the runs (to make sure it's not worms or other nasties).

9) Try not to be surprised when the vet calls later to state that they think the cat may have a touch of the diabetes (This is much more tolerable if you can pretend that the pronunciation is 'die-uh-bet-us' instead of 'die-us-beet-ees').

10) Do not get worried when the vet also says they will be sending blood to the lab to test for both the diabetes and FELV. Especially since you have been vaccinating your cat against said FELV disease since before birth. It does not help that the tech tells you that the FELV vaccine is not 100% and that her cat, in fact, did get FELV despite being fully vaccinated. Try not to freak out too much when you realize that your possibly FELV+ cat donated blood to your kidney problems cat a month ago.

11) Talk to the vet post blood results to find out that, indeed, your cat has the diabetes. It is expected that you will have to give said cat insulin shots. Do not be alarmed that the insulin recommended for cats costs $100 for a 100-unit vial.

12) Go to the vet to go over how to give your cat the insulin. Try to come up with a way to feed your kidney-issues cat a high carb, low protein diet throughout the day while giving your diabetes cat a high protein, low carb diet with only 2 feedings per day. Keep in mind that never the twain shall meet (i.e. they must eat their own food. bad things happen when they eat the other food).

13) Pay $50 for a bag of low-carb dry food (jeebus christ, cat!) Also, the food has quite a bit of "by-product". Not even the cheap cat food at the pet store has this much by-product in the first 5 ingredients.

14) Read online that you really can feed cats high-protein wet food on a non-prescription diet that is damn close to the prescription diet, and a mite-bit cheaper.

15) Go to PetSmart and spend the better part of an hour in the wet cat food isle reading ingredient lists trying to figure out which ones are low-carb and which ones are not (hint: generally the 'gravy' varieties are higher carb). Seriously think about finding out if you can cook meals for cheaper.

16) Go get a blood glucose meter to track your diabetes cat.

17) Go buy a second blood glucose meter and strips because you didn't realize that glucose meters don't come with test strips and it will take a week for the test strips to come in from Amazon. NOTE: The reason you will buy a secondary glucose meter and test strips is because it will be $40 cheaper than buying just the strips for your first meter.

18) Go home and spend an hour or so trying to get a drop of blood from your cat. Do not get frustrated that every time you manage to get a drop of blood on his ear, he will shake his head thus leaving you to start from square one.

19) Eventually give up on finding out his 'pre' blood sugar. Feed him some food and give him his insulin shot (which he doesn't even realize you're doing. JUST GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY EARS, EVIL WOMAN!

20) Wait almost 2 hours and finally get a good blood drop and test.